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Selected lines and quotes from the tv show Weeds. Check out our great collection of dialogues and quotes from the tv series Weeds and search our website for thousands of other quotes on various topics from a great variety of authors, movies and tv shows.

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Weeds quotes

Celia Hodes: Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back?
Conrad Shepard: Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.

Guillermo: (talking about the fire he stared) And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. (nods his head forward)
Nancy Botwin: (whispering to his ear) You're facing west.
Guillermo: See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. (rubbing against her) You be my navigator.
Nancy Botwin: Hand off the as*.

Shane Botwin: (while Peter and Nancy hum the UM theme) We visited my dad's grave today.
Peter Scottson: (stops) Oh. I--
Shane Botwin: You married?
Peter Scottson: Uh. No.
Shane Botwin: Why not?
Peter Scottson: It's...complicated.
Shane Botwin: Are you a fa*?
Nancy Botwin: Shane!
Shane Botwin: What? It was just a question.

The Candyman: Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her.

Heylia James: Hey! Hey! Stop all that da** arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?
Vaneeta: Yeah
Conrad Shepard: Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?
Vaneeta: She's in shock, slap her.
Conrad Shepard: I ain't slappin' no white woman.
Heylia James: Move, I'll do it.
Nancy Botwin: No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)
Heylia James: You sure?
Nancy Botwin: Yeah (sniff).
Heylia James: all right, let's clean this sh** up.
Nancy Botwin: (Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?
Heylia James: Baby, that probably was the police.
Nancy Botwin: I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.
Conrad Shepard: We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?
Heylia James: Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

Heylia James: (on the two disparate ways a suburban house and a ghetto house are attacked) sh**, white folks get soda pop; ni***** get bullets.

Mrs. Elderman: (On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

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