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Weeds quotes

Celia Hodes: Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back?
Conrad Shepard: Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.

Guillermo: (talking about the fire he stared) And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. (nods his head forward)
Nancy Botwin: (whispering to his ear) You're facing west.
Guillermo: See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. (rubbing against her) You be my navigator.
Nancy Botwin: Hand off the as*.

Shane Botwin: (while Peter and Nancy hum the UM theme) We visited my dad's grave today.
Peter Scottson: (stops) Oh. I--
Shane Botwin: You married?
Peter Scottson: Uh. No.
Shane Botwin: Why not?
Peter Scottson: It's...complicated.
Shane Botwin: Are you a fa*?
Nancy Botwin: Shane!
Shane Botwin: What? It was just a question.

The Candyman: Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her.

Heylia James: Hey! Hey! Stop all that da** arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?
Vaneeta: Yeah
Conrad Shepard: Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?
Vaneeta: She's in shock, slap her.
Conrad Shepard: I ain't slappin' no white woman.
Heylia James: Move, I'll do it.
Nancy Botwin: No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)
Heylia James: You sure?
Nancy Botwin: Yeah (sniff).
Heylia James: all right, let's clean this sh** up.
Nancy Botwin: (Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?
Heylia James: Baby, that probably was the police.
Nancy Botwin: I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.
Conrad Shepard: We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?
Heylia James: Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

Heylia James: (on the two disparate ways a suburban house and a ghetto house are attacked) sh**, white folks get soda pop; ni***** get bullets.

Mrs. Elderman: (On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

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