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Selected lines and quotes from the tv show Two and a Half Men. Check out our great collection of dialogues and quotes from the tv series Two and a Half Men and search our website for thousands of other quotes on various topics from a great variety of authors, movies and tv shows.

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Two and a Half Men quotes

Berta: (about Charlie's behavior around Mia) Considerate?
Charlie Harper: Yeah, see, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy, and I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars, and drink and gamble and stay out all night and eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and nap and swear and wear shorts, bowling shirts...
Berta: Charlie, you ain't just whipped, you're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

Miss Pasternak: Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! (points upward) And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! (leaves)
Charlie Harper: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!

Jake Harper: (to Evelyn) Dad says you've got your bu** in your lips.
Alan Harper: Just eat your dinner.
Jake Harper: Hang on. So if you burp now, it'll really be a fart, right?

Jake Harper: Did you get mom a present when you got divorced?
Alan Harper: A present?
Jake Harper: Yeah, you know, a memento of your time together.
Alan Harper: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

Judith Harper: (to Alan, who doesn't believe Jake is sick) I'm not buying it. I'll be back to get him Monday night, and if I find out you went ahead and took him to Vegas, you'll be getting a colonoscopy from my attorney!
Charlie Harper: (to Alan) I've seen your alimony checks; you already got one.

Alan Harper: Oh, Charlie. Your pe*** is no match for my technology.
Charlie Harper: OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!
Alan Harper: What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?
Charlie Harper: You're text-blocking me.
Alan Harper: Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.
Charlie Harper: Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bl**** and homeless.

Alan Harper: Are you aware that you haven't had a paying job in nine months?
Charlie Harper: Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot?

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