Selected lines and quotes from the tv show Two and a Half Men. Check out our great collection of dialogues and quotes from the tv series Two and a Half Men and search our website for thousands of other quotes on various topics from a great variety of authors, movies and tv shows.
Quotes by Author: A · B · C · D · E · F · G · H · I · J · K · L · M · N · O · P · Q · R · S · T · U · V · W · X · Y · Z
Movies by Year: 2015 · 2014 · 2013 · 2012 · 2011 · 2010 · 2009 · 2008 · 2007 · 2006 · 2005 · 2004 · 2003 · 2002 · MORE..
TV Series by Genre: ADVENTURE | ANIMATION | COMEDY | CRIME | DRAMA | FANTASY | MYSTERY | SCI-FI | MORE..
Two and a Half Men quotes
(about Charlie's behavior around Mia) Considerate?
Yeah, see, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy, and I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars, and drink and gamble and stay out all night and eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and nap and swear and wear shorts, bowling shirts...
Charlie, you ain't just whipped, you're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.
Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! (points upward) And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! (leaves)
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!
(to Evelyn) Dad says you've got your bu** in your lips.
Just eat your dinner.
Hang on. So if you burp now, it'll really be a fart, right?
Did you get mom a present when you got divorced?
Yeah, you know, a memento of your time together.
Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
(to Alan, who doesn't believe Jake is sick) I'm not buying it. I'll be back to get him Monday night, and if I find out you went ahead and took him to Vegas, you'll be getting a colonoscopy from my attorney!
(to Alan) I've seen your alimony checks; you already got one.
Oh, Charlie. Your pe*** is no match for my technology.
OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!
What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?
You're text-blocking me.
Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.
Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bl**** and homeless.
Are you aware that you haven't had a paying job in nine months?
Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot?
Previous 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 Next