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The Office quotes

Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.

Charles Miner: Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay, and you Hannon.
Kelly Erin Hannon: If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.
Charles Miner: Erin? Okay, that's very pretty.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, you know what my name is? Rajnigandha. And I hate it. I hate it!
Kevin Malone: I thought Rajnigandha was a boy's name.

Dwight Schrute: I'm going to be your new boss! (chuckles) It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now, check-out time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay. Just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell, and you are co-running a bed-and-breakfast with the Devil.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty *thousand* dollars a year.

Ryan Howard: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was... He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael Scott: Do you want to talk about it any more?
Ryan Howard: Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Nick: I saw all your hard drives and guess what? (gestures to Ryan) You're not a photographer. (gestures to Kelly) And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! Alright? And you. (points to Andy) This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it. Check it out. (gives everyone the finger and leaves)

Michael Scott: (comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs) They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight Schrute: Idiots! God what are we going to *do*?
Michael Scott: I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is?
Michael Scott: (simultaneously) Depression.
Dwight Schrute: (simultaneously) Wolves.
Michael Scott: (pause) Depression.
Dwight Schrute: Visual aids?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: A quilt. A depression quilt?

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