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Rescue Me quotes
Thomas, you're just in time for another in a series of gripping exchanges and deep thought and personal wisdom.
What are we talkin' about?
Today's topic is the most number of times they've masturbated in one day.
Yeah, I'm 7, Sean's 4. Lou?
Well, it's only 8:30, the day's young. I'd go for 4, but I'm doing food prep.
Well, yeah, but it takes a little longer now, I mean, the older you get... don't you need more time in between... you know...
Well, I mean, that's if you get technical, I was gonna say jizzes.
We did have a kid in the old neighborhood, Bobby Morgan, claimed he jacked off 17 times in one 24 hour period.
17 times, is that even possible?
Well, even more amazing than that, it was a school day.
sh**, 17 times.
Yeah, he said the last time, it pretty much just came out air.
So his co** farted? I mean, come on, if it comes out air, it's a fart.
(coming up with a plan about the baby) Alright, so you know what we do, we pretend that we're together, and when the baby's born I'll help you raise it, and if it's a boy, grand slam because that solves my dad's problem with the male heir thing...
Okay, and what if the baby looks like Johnny? (Tommy scoffs) What?
Like that's a possibility.
Both of Angie's kids look just like Angie, okay? Nothing like Johnny, okay? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm, are you kiddin' me?
Oh my gosh... okay.
My sperm are like... they have ant strength, they can lift other sperm outta the way, okay?
You know, she looks like my mom.
What did you say?
That lady, she, she reminds me of my mom.
Your mom is that hot?
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, hotter.
Really? Your mom has that kind of face? Those lips? That kind of rack?
Yeah, well, my mom's rack is a little bigger actually.
Where do you come off mentioning your mom and the word 'rack' in the same sentence?
I'm just saying, my mom she's, she's got like a large set of... of uh, you know, she's really...
Enough! Jesus Christ!
Goddamnit... I was, I was gonna go over and talk to that chick! Let me correctify that. She's not a chick. In a room full of self-involved, young titless little chicks, she's a woman, okay? A real woman. Probably a very witty and wonderful woman...
With a great rack.
The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.
But why, why not?
Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!
Hey, woah. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay?
Forbidden fruit, ball face.
You mean, like, melons?
(about Colleen and Shawn) But the kid's great, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, I got nothin' bad to say about the kid. Is he my first choice to date Colleen? No.
Yeah, and I think you're real lucky too about the deciding to not have sex thing.
Yeah. ... What?
What you didn't know that?
What? They're not havin' sex? Why would they not be havin' sex?
Oh, I dunno, I dunno.
Why are they not havin' sex?
I don't know. (looks away)
No reason. (Tommy makes a face at him) They're waiting.
Waiting for what?
Why don't we get this chair outta here?
Until they get married... (Tommy bites down on his glove as Black Shawn passes by)
Oh, that sneaky little black son of a bi***!
Well, look at 'ya now, just pushin' the pencil, runnin' all over the city makin' sure good guys like my crew here aren't rubbing one off on the city's dime.
I'm just doin' what I'm told.
Yeah, and there's a lotta honor in that ain't there, Flinn? (pushes him up against the lockers) You can take your little clipboard and go back downtown, back to headquarters and you tell who ever it was that sent you up here that they can kiss my white Irish as*. This is the best group of guys I've ever had the honor of serving with. These guys are gold when it comes to people's lives and protecting their property, not to mention the five names on that plaque on that wall out there. Guys that went into those two towers on that day and never came back. So, within the sacred confines of these four walls that they should look at something else other than that sh**, that's fine with me. They wanna smoke, they wanna jerk off, they wanna shove potato chips up their as*, I don't give a sh** as long as they keep gettin' on that rig and goin' out the door and savin' lives, I'll back 'em up.
(looking over towards his guys) What've we got?
There's no porn, sir. No tapes, no magazines.
I'm sorry that it was a wasted trip, now get outta my go***** quarters.
(to his guys) Let's go.
Make sure down at headquarters you tell 'em Chief Jerry Reilly from the 15th battalion. (After the guys leave, everyone claps) Cut it out, cut it out.
Nicely done, Chief. Now, lemme ask you a question: Did you really mean what you said about us being able to smoke and jerk off and everything?
Why of course.
Good, because there's a bag of potato chips in the kitchen with my as*' name all over it.
(Franco wants to write Laura a poem) No, no, listen to me, listen to me. I don't care who we're talkin' about-- young chick, old chick, in-between chick, Cindy Crawford on her best da** day-- they all think their as* is fat, okay? We love the as*. We all think the as* is like a festival of fun. It's a place to go, chock-full of stuff we can to do, but to them, the as* is death. Gravity and death and hard go***** times. Stay away from the as*, okay? Go with the ti**. ti**, eyelashes, eyes. All right? That's it. (Lou looks at him) What?
You write a poem about ti**, she's gonna rip it up and shove it down your throat. Chicks wanna hear about emotions, they wanna hear about remorse, they wanna hear I'm sorry's up the go***** ying-yang.
So you write a poem that says I'm sorry, blah blah blah. I regret bing bang boom. And then you throw in a "Hey, I like your nice beautiful ti**." (Lou stares at him) What?
I love you.
Double peaches of pleasure.
(Nona kisses Tommy) Whoa, that's fast. Uh... it's just that we haven't--- uh....
Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job.
Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer.
And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it?
I-I uh... I-I'll be completely honest with you. ... I just think that it would be so much more special if we... just you know, waited.
Get out of my truck.
No, no, really. Get out of my truck.
No, no, but I'm serious.
Yeah, are you gay? You're gay.
I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up--
Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.
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