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Rescue Me quotes

Lou: Thomas, you're just in time for another in a series of gripping exchanges and deep thought and personal wisdom.
Tommy Gavin: What are we talkin' about?
Lou: Today's topic is the most number of times they've masturbated in one day.
Franco Rivera: Yeah, I'm 7, Sean's 4. Lou?
Lou: 3.
Sean Garrity: Just 3?
Lou: Well, it's only 8:30, the day's young. I'd go for 4, but I'm doing food prep.
Sean Garrity: Well, yeah, but it takes a little longer now, I mean, the older you get... don't you need more time in between... you know...
Lou: Ejaculations?
Sean Garrity: Well, I mean, that's if you get technical, I was gonna say jizzes.
Tommy Gavin: We did have a kid in the old neighborhood, Bobby Morgan, claimed he jacked off 17 times in one 24 hour period.
Sean Garrity: No way.
Franco Rivera: 17 times, is that even possible?
Tommy Gavin: Well, even more amazing than that, it was a school day.
Sean Garrity: sh**, 17 times.
Tommy Gavin: Yeah, he said the last time, it pretty much just came out air.
Sean Garrity: So his co** farted? I mean, come on, if it comes out air, it's a fart.

Tommy Gavin: (coming up with a plan about the baby) Alright, so you know what we do, we pretend that we're together, and when the baby's born I'll help you raise it, and if it's a boy, grand slam because that solves my dad's problem with the male heir thing...
Janet Gavin: Okay, and what if the baby looks like Johnny? (Tommy scoffs) What?
Tommy Gavin: Like that's a possibility.
Janet Gavin: Uh, yeah.
Tommy Gavin: Both of Angie's kids look just like Angie, okay? Nothing like Johnny, okay? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm, are you kiddin' me?
Janet Gavin: Oh my gosh... okay.
Tommy Gavin: My sperm are like... they have ant strength, they can lift other sperm outta the way, okay?

Sean Garrity: You know, she looks like my mom.
Tommy Gavin: What did you say?
Sean Garrity: That lady, she, she reminds me of my mom.
Tommy Gavin: sh**.
Jerry: Your mom is that hot?
Sean Garrity: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, hotter.
Franco Rivera: Really? Your mom has that kind of face? Those lips? That kind of rack?
Sean Garrity: Yeah, well, my mom's rack is a little bigger actually.
Tommy Gavin: Where do you come off mentioning your mom and the word 'rack' in the same sentence?
Sean Garrity: I'm just saying, my mom she's, she's got like a large set of... of uh, you know, she's really...
Tommy Gavin: Enough! Jesus Christ!
Sean Garrity: What?
Tommy Gavin: Goddamnit... I was, I was gonna go over and talk to that chick! Let me correctify that. She's not a chick. In a room full of self-involved, young titless little chicks, she's a woman, okay? A real woman. Probably a very witty and wonderful woman...
Franco Rivera: With a great rack.
Tommy Gavin: The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.
Sean Garrity: But why, why not?
Tommy Gavin: Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!
Sean Garrity: Hey, woah. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay?
Franco Rivera: Forbidden fruit, ball face.
Sean Garrity: You mean, like, melons?

Tommy Gavin: (about Colleen and Shawn) But the kid's great, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, I got nothin' bad to say about the kid. Is he my first choice to date Colleen? No.
Lou: Yeah, and I think you're real lucky too about the deciding to not have sex thing.
Tommy Gavin: Yeah. ... What?
Lou: What you didn't know that?
Tommy Gavin: What? They're not havin' sex? Why would they not be havin' sex?
Lou: Oh, I dunno, I dunno.
Tommy Gavin: Why are they not havin' sex?
Lou: I don't know. (looks away)
Tommy Gavin: Lou.
Lou: No reason. (Tommy makes a face at him) They're waiting.
Tommy Gavin: Waiting for what?
Lou: Why don't we get this chair outta here?
Lou: Until they get married... (Tommy bites down on his glove as Black Shawn passes by)
Tommy Gavin: Oh, that sneaky little black son of a bi***!

Chief Reilly: Well, look at 'ya now, just pushin' the pencil, runnin' all over the city makin' sure good guys like my crew here aren't rubbing one off on the city's dime.
Flinn: I'm just doin' what I'm told.
Franco Rivera: Yeah, and there's a lotta honor in that ain't there, Flinn? (pushes him up against the lockers) You can take your little clipboard and go back downtown, back to headquarters and you tell who ever it was that sent you up here that they can kiss my white Irish as*. This is the best group of guys I've ever had the honor of serving with. These guys are gold when it comes to people's lives and protecting their property, not to mention the five names on that plaque on that wall out there. Guys that went into those two towers on that day and never came back. So, within the sacred confines of these four walls that they should look at something else other than that sh**, that's fine with me. They wanna smoke, they wanna jerk off, they wanna shove potato chips up their as*, I don't give a sh** as long as they keep gettin' on that rig and goin' out the door and savin' lives, I'll back 'em up.
Flinn: (looking over towards his guys) What've we got?
Guy: There's no porn, sir. No tapes, no magazines.
Chief Reilly: I'm sorry that it was a wasted trip, now get outta my go***** quarters.
Flinn: (to his guys) Let's go.
Chief Reilly: Make sure down at headquarters you tell 'em Chief Jerry Reilly from the 15th battalion. (After the guys leave, everyone claps) Cut it out, cut it out.
Lou: Nicely done, Chief. Now, lemme ask you a question: Did you really mean what you said about us being able to smoke and jerk off and everything?
Chief Reilly: Why of course.
Lou: Good, because there's a bag of potato chips in the kitchen with my as*' name all over it.

Tommy Gavin: (Franco wants to write Laura a poem) No, no, listen to me, listen to me. I don't care who we're talkin' about-- young chick, old chick, in-between chick, Cindy Crawford on her best da** day-- they all think their as* is fat, okay? We love the as*. We all think the as* is like a festival of fun. It's a place to go, chock-full of stuff we can to do, but to them, the as* is death. Gravity and death and hard go***** times. Stay away from the as*, okay? Go with the ti**. ti**, eyelashes, eyes. All right? That's it. (Lou looks at him) What?
Lou: You write a poem about ti**, she's gonna rip it up and shove it down your throat. Chicks wanna hear about emotions, they wanna hear about remorse, they wanna hear I'm sorry's up the go***** ying-yang.
Tommy Gavin: So you write a poem that says I'm sorry, blah blah blah. I regret bing bang boom. And then you throw in a "Hey, I like your nice beautiful ti**." (Lou stares at him) What?
Lou: Emotions.
Tommy Gavin: ti**.
Lou: Remorse.
Tommy Gavin: Melons.
Lou: I'm sorry.
Tommy Gavin: Gazungas.
Lou: I love you.
Tommy Gavin: Double peaches of pleasure.

Tommy Gavin: (Nona kisses Tommy) Whoa, that's fast. Uh... it's just that we haven't--- uh....
Nona: Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job.
Tommy Gavin: Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer.
Nona: And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it?
Tommy Gavin: I-I uh... I-I'll be completely honest with you. ... I just think that it would be so much more special if we... just you know, waited.
Nona: Get out of my truck.
Tommy Gavin: Wh--?
Nona: No, no, really. Get out of my truck.
Tommy Gavin: No, no, but I'm serious.
Nona: Yeah, are you gay? You're gay.
Tommy Gavin: I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up--
Nona: Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.

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