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Selected lines and quotes from the tv show Red Dwarf. Check out our great collection of dialogues and quotes from the tv series Red Dwarf and search our website for thousands of other quotes on various topics from a great variety of authors, movies and tv shows.

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Red Dwarf quotes

Kryten: They always say the hardest part about leaving Cyberspace is realizing that the whole universe does not revolve around you.
Cat: Sure doesn't. It revolves around me!
Kochanski Camille: Absolutely...
Cat: No. I'm serious! Look at the evidence!
Lister: What evidence?
Cat: Take food: until I bite into it, it has no taste. Even when I know what I'm gonna say, it never bores me!
Lister: You, and you alone.
Cat: And here's the kicker, all the interesting things that ever happen to me happened when I was in the room! Coincidence? Get outta here...

Rimmer: We're not getting out of here in one piece, or if we do, it'll be one big flat piece.

Rimmer: You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely da** right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut.
Lister: (Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech) I'm going back to bed.
Rimmer: Would it harm you to have hair like mine?
The Cat: I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.
Rimmer: Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut.
Kryten: Oh, surely not, sir!
Rimmer: Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw.
Kryten: Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist!

Rimmer: You ought to try reading you shirt sometime, Lister. It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo.

Kryten: There seems to be some sort of malfunction, sir! (Uncovers a key in his finger, which he uses to unlock the post box) Good grief!Vandals have stolen the droid's entire hard drive, and stuffed envelopes through it's voice unit! What kind of place is this?

High Lister: Have I told you today how much I love thee, brother? How much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon thine beauteous countenance?
High Rimmer: Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream, brother.
Rimmer: What a bunch of losers!

Rimmer: Open all hailing frequencies and broadcast in all know languages. Including Welsh.

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