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My Wife and Kids quotes
I'm your private dancer!
Why was Mommy screaming 'oh God oh God oh God'?
She was thankful.
Why was she screaming?
Because she was having fun, you know how when you go to the amusement park and ride the roller coaster and you go AAAAHHHHH!
When it was over did Mommy throw up?
No but she did ride it backwards.
So how's your mother?
Oh please, you know how she is, she had me cooking for her all the time. Her answer to everything has always been food.
You must've had a million questions.
(looks at it) Toilet water!
No, it's eau de toilette. It's a very expensive French cologne.
Oh, French! Gracias!
Why does your cousin have to get married at night?
Because he's an insomniac and she's ugly.
(to Michael) Go ahead and make jokes, laugh it up, because now you have to go upstairs and tell Kady what you do to me.
Me? Why do I have to?
Because it's your turn.
No, I tell the boys.
Na, we switch off, I get the next one.
What next one? There is no next one.
I don't know about that, you seemed pretty good at that tonight, the law had to come.
Remember when I lost my hair, you had all the jokes? I was Sherman Hemsley, I was Mr. Clean, I was Kojack, remember this? (sticks his head under her armpit) You said I was your roll on deodorant.
It's funnier when it's you instead of me, Michael,
Well we need to laugh at you, Jay, because we can either laugh at this or you need to do something about it.
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