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Monk quotes

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please. Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue... I am probably the least qualified person in North America.
Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model!
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Natalie Teeger: ...in this particular case.

Kris Kedder: Hey, man. What's going on? (Stork shows him a copy of the Trafalgar band's CD) Where'd you get that?
Stork: Disk jockey I know. They sent him an advanced copy.
Kris Kedder: You like that cover? That was my idea.
Stork: Stealing my credit, stealing my song. Was that your idea, too?
Kris Kedder: What? You're name is not on there?
Stork: No, don't give me that! "Peggy's Gone to Memphis, Words and Music by Kris Kedder." You know you told me that if I kept my mouth shut, and I was a good boy, that you'd take care of me. I guess you figure I'm just some dumb roadie that you can rip off and nobody's going to care.
Kris Kedder: Okay Stork, my man. Let's just relax. I was going to talk to you about this. (pause) I'm going to offer you five grand.
Stork: (scoffs) Five grand for a hit song?
Kris Kedder: Look dude, you've got talent. You co-wrote a great song, but you don't understand how the business works.
Stork: I didn't co-write *anything*. I wrote that song! Every note, every line! I let you take half-credit because you said that it would jump-start my career.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I'll call you back. I'll call you back. Okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: St. Claire just issued another statement.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is he blaming us?
Lt. Randall Disher: Not yet. Just rah-rah stuff. He will not be silenced. He will not be intimidated.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He will be blaming us soon enough. Everybody does sooner or later. We gotta make a statement too. Is the press here? Who's here?
Lt. Randall Disher: The girl from channel 3.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The pretty one? (starts to check his hair)
Lt. Randall Disher: No, the other one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Who do you want on camera?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Me. I'll do it. I think it'll reassure people to see me taking point.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Anything on the shooter? Say yes.
Lt. Randall Disher: The forensic boys are still on site, but nothing so far.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, Sheldon Burger, who let you off your leash?
Sheldon Burger: I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Sheldon Burger: If we don't slam dunk this, it's gonna look like we're not trying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case.
Sheldon Burger: No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in... your old friend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: (in disbelief) Monk?

Lt. Adam Kirk: (looks out his window at the gathered reporters) Look at them out there. Trying to get a picture of a killer cop. (angrily closes the blinds) Too bad I can't charge them rent. Did you talk to them?
Adrian Monk: I just told them I was a friend.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Thanks for lying. You know. I don't hold what you did against...
Adrian Monk: Why would you? I told the truth.
Lt. Adam Kirk: From your point of view.
Adrian Monk: I was there, Lieutenant. I saw what you did.
Lt. Adam Kirk: It was resisting arrest.
Adrian Monk: I was there.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Well, that makes your being here now mean even more. You know what really kills me about this is, uh, I'm supposed to testify against Stokes next week. Best thing I ever did was getting that butcher off the street and now he's gonna walk.
Sharona Fleming: Why would he walk?
Lt. Adam Kirk: He claims that I beat a confession out of him. This makes his case. (Monk peels some paper towels) What are you doing?
Sharona Fleming: If you don't mind, it helps him think.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Oh, knock yourself out.
Adrian Monk: Wanna tell me what happened on the Ferris wheel?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Yeah, that was stupid. I get a call from this punk, Gitomer.
Adrian Monk: You knew him?
Lt. Adam Kirk: No, I never met him. I checked him out. He's got some punk stuff-possessions, stolen vehicle. So, he wants to meet at the carnival-busy place, a lot of people.
Adrian Monk: Meet about what?
Lt. Adam Kirk: He's got something on a shipment of purple haze. So, we meet. He starts hemming and hawing and then he says that he'll talk, but only up on the Ferris wheel.
Adrian Monk: The Ferris wheel's his idea?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Oh, yeah. His idea. So, we get on. I don't get out word one, he goes postal.
Adrian Monk: You didn't do anything?
Lt. Adam Kirk: (lifts his hand) Hand to God. He starts throwing himself around. He's screaming. "Help! Help! He's gonna kill me!" So, the operator shuts down the rig. I get off. I walk 10 feet, I hear screaming, I turn around and there's Gitomer on the deck, with a knife in his chest.
Adrian Monk: Whose knife was it?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Not a clue.

Tony Landis: Miss Bronwynn, this is not a penitentiary. You have to let these people come and go.
Rita Bronwyn: I'm gonna let them go, Tony, as soon as we check out Room 401.
Tony Landis: Do you know who is in Room 401? John Fenimore. The C.O.O. of the third largest brokerage house on the West Coast. He brings his staff here every year for a conference. How do we know the boy just didn't make it up?
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. He's-he's a good boy. He doesn't lie.
Tony Landis: All children lie.
Adrian Monk: Not him. Not to me.
Tony Landis: Well, of course, you would say that. You're his father.
Adrian Monk: I'm not his father. His mother works for me.
Rita Bronwyn: Tony Landis, this is Adrian Monk. Adrian is a former homicide detective. I just talked to his Captain in Frisco. He says we're lucky to have him.
Tony Landis: Miss Bronwyn, these people are on vacation.
Rita Bronwyn: Okay, Tony. Tell you what. Why don't you let 'em out and then you can tell the victim's family and the police why you let the murderer go?
Tony Landis: Fine. Check it out. As discreetly and quickly and discreetly as possible.
Adrian Monk: You-you said discreetly twice. (starts to fix Tony's collar)
Tony Landis: Exactly. In fact, I'll say it again. Discreetly.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, listen up! We figure he's got about 40 minutes of air, if he's not panicking... figure on 15 minutes.

Adrian Monk: I'm the Garfunkel.

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