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Selected lines and quotes from the tv show How I Met Your Mother. Check out our great collection of dialogues and quotes from the tv series How I Met Your Mother and search our website for thousands of other quotes on various topics from a great variety of authors, movies and tv shows.

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How I Met Your Mother quotes

Barney Stinson: Who do you like best? Guy in tight black tee? Tight black guy? Guy who looks like Mr. T?
James Stinson: Yes, yes, and call me after I've had two drinks.

Barney Stinson: My, oh, my, there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Okay, hookup strategy, colon: Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night 'till she's mine.
Ted Mosby: Do these strategies ever work for you?
Barney Stinson: The question is, do these strategies ever *not* work for me. Either way, the answer's "about half the time."

Robin Scherbatsky: We're getting past Everything's Fine Lily and into 1998 Cinco de Mayo Lily, and I'm not cleaning that up again.

Robin Scherbatsky: I'm not shaving my legs for the first three dates. If I don't shave, I don't misbehave.
Barney Stinson: FYI, men don't care. They just want to get to the green, they don't mind going through the rough.

Ted Mosby: I'm sorry to tell you, but people who have game don't need eyepatches.
Barney Stinson: Oh, Theodore. (calmly removes eyepatch) You can't spell 'game' without 'me', and 'me' has the best game.
Ted Mosby: Oh, yeah? Well, I have so much game, I'm a Cornish game hen.
Barney Stinson: Well, I have so much game, I'm New York gaming commissioner.
Ted Mosby: I have so much game, I'm The Game, well-constructed thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

Barney Stinson: And that, my friends, is why you never get your money's worth when you wear jeans to a strip club.

Older Ted: (talking to his son and daughter) Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story.

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