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Boston Legal quotes

Alan Shore: Feels good, doesn't it?
Roberta: What feels good?
Alan Shore: Having sex with the candidate. What if he wins? I bet the or***** are even better if he wins. (sighs) I'm jealous.

Alan Shore: I suppose coming to a lawyer's office can't be much fun.
Marissa: Actually, everyone seems friendly here.
Alan Shore: Well, they're given an unlimited supply of donuts.
Phyliss: I had a hard time trying to find you. I called Cruthers, Abbott...
Alan Shore: Oh, I was fired. Embezzlement.
Phyliss: Then I tried Young, Frutt and Berultti.
Alan Shore: Oh, yes. That ended badly.
Phyliss: And here you are at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Alan Shore: For now.
Phyliss: I need your help. You always said I could come to you for anything.
Alan Shore: I meant sexually.
Denny Crane: Brad's the best. I just made him partner.
Bev: Denny, I want reassurance.
Denny Crane: The man served in the Gulf War. The one that turned out okay. He was top of his class at West Point and Harvard Law School. I'd put my own life in his hands.
Shirley Schmidt: Denise, I understand you're going through some difficulties in your personal life.
Denise Bauer: It's hard, but I'll get through it.
Shirley Schmidt: From what I know about you, when things get tough you prefer to bury yourself in your work. Allow me to provide you with a shovel.
Denny Crane: Bev will be happy which makes me happy, which makes you happy. So really, Brad, you're doing this to make you happy.
Alan Shore: Let me tell you two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.
Dr James Tusten: Catholic hospitals are free to interpret sections of the Ethical and Religious Directive liberally or conservatively. St Mary's takes a very strict application of Catholic teachings. That's why I chose to work there.
Shirley Schmidt: I see. Tell me, Dr Tusten, do you have a set schedule at the ER?
Dr James Tusten: Of course.
Shirley Schmidt: But that puts you squarely on the job during the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 states that those who work on the Sabbath should be put to death.
Atty Morrison: Nevertheless, the court awarded Mr Bridge joint custody of Barry.
Judge Willard Reese: The cat's name is Barry Manilow?
Alan Shore: Denny, I refuse to shoot you.
Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?
Alan Shore: Where would we be...

Denny Crane: My God, you're even more striking in person.
Kelly Nolan: Who is this man? And why is his face about to explode?
Alan Shore: Kelly Nolan, this is Denny Crane. Success has caused his head to swell.

Shirley Schmidt: Denny! You're back.
Denny Crane: I am? I am. And I'm all here.
Shirley Schmidt: Congratulations on your big victory, it's all over the news. Married?
Denny Crane: No.
Shirley Schmidt: You tried.
Denny Crane: I did.

Shirley Schmidt: (to Denise and Brad) We are lawyers. We sue people. We do not abduct.

Bev: And why did you screw him?
Shirley Schmidt: I lost a bet.

Bethany: (To Paul) What? You've never seen a smoking dwarf before?

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