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Wild Wild West quotes

President Grant: Gentlemen, you'll be happy to know that I'm starting a new agency, whose sole purpose is the protection of the President. Welcome to the Secret Service, Agents Number One, and Number Two.
Artemus Gordon: Thank you, Mr. President. (pause)
Artemus Gordon: Sir, if you don't mind my asking, which of us is Number One and which is Number Two?
President Grant: I don't think that really matters, Gordon, do you?
Artemus Gordon: Not if you don't, sir.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well now isn't this a coincidence? I'm out for a little morning ride and right in the middle of nowhere I bump into General Ulysses S. Grant himself!

Artemus Gordon: Hold on. Avanti! (the bicycle speeds forward)
Artemus Gordon: Avanti! Avanti!
Capt. James West: Why isn't this thing avanti-ing?
Artemus Gordon: We're not getting enough lift! We need more speed! (He turns toward a cliff)
Capt. James West: Artie, that's a cliff!
Artemus Gordon: Yes, I know!
Capt. James West: That means the ground is gonna end!
Artemus Gordon: Yes, I know!
Capt. James West: Gordon... Gordon... GORDON! (the machine goes off the edge of the cliff... and sails into the air)
Artemus Gordon: It works! It works!
Capt. James West: If you had to get one right, Artie, I'm sure glad it was this one.

Capt. James West: That's it, no more Mr. Knife guy.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: (after blasting McGrath) Well, I think that concludes this night's festivities. Ladies, feed him to the crabs. (he turns to face the assembled foreign dignitaries)
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Gentlemen, since the beginning of written history a nation's power has been measured by the size of its standing army. Tonight that chapter will be closed. The traditional army, to say nothing of the United States, will become extinct, laid low by a *cripple*-! (splash as McGrath's body hits the water)
Dr. Arliss Loveless: -as the general so amusingly implied, and mechanology. But my friends, that tank is just a little hors d'oeuvre compared to what the country's greatest scientists are cooking up for me next. So, if I have piqued your interest, bring one thousand kilograms of your country's gold to Spider Canyon in ten days time. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a tank to catch.

Artemus Gordon: Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket.
Capt. James West: Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your as*?
Artemus Gordon: That's the first place Loveless would have looked.

McGrath: What's this?
Artemus Gordon: Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy?
McGrath: Yes, I'm sleepy.
Artemus Gordon: Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand?
McGrath: Woof!
Artemus Gordon: Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr. Escobar? Speak!
McGrath: (panting) Woof! Woof!
Artemus Gordon: You can speak words, you stupid mutt.

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