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I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back.
The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.
You only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse?
How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?
We're talking dream date compared to my horror.
Well, basically it's the same dream I've been having since I was twelve.
Okay, there's this guy...
What does he look like?
I don't know, he's just sort of faceless.
Faceless guy, okay.
He RIPS off my clothes. (pause)
That's it? Some faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and THAT'S the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve?
Well sometimes I vary it a little.
What I'm wearing.
With whom did you have this great sex?
I'm not going to tell you that.
Fine, don't tell me.
Shel? Sheldon? No, no, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.
I did too.
No you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man... but humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 'Do it to me Sheldon, you're an animal Sheldon, ride me big Shel-don.' Doesn't work.
There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Which one am I?
You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
I don't see that.
You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side. "On the side" is a very big thing for you.
Well, I just want it the way I want it.
I know; high maintenance.
You know, you may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.
That's wonderful, Harry.
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