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Rule #4: Never talk about your problems 'cause men don't really listen or care.
Some men care!
No, some men pretend to care. When we ask how you're doing, it's just guy code for "let me stick my di** in your as*".
Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he's a guy. If he's even remotely into you he's probably thought about each one of your orifices at least ten times.
I love how you assume all men are perverse as you are!
Oh, I don't assume. I know.
I want to thank you for getting me this gig, I would never have gotten it without you. You and I? We make good TV.
*YOU* make imbecillic trash watched by house-bound inbreds who are so busy with their hands down their pants they can't change the remote.
I, I hadn't really been picturing you that way, but it's a nice image.
I do not watch your program. My cat stepped on the remote.
Well, you want to thank your pu*** for me, then?
He'll call back in five seconds. Now, come on.
What are you, Nostradamus? (phone rings)
You look great!
Oh, just doing the dishes.
I'm sorry, but Jack Magnun will no longer be able to do 'The Ugly Truth', which should really come as no surprise because men are completely unreliable. Take Mike Chadway, for instance. He up and quit the show, without so much as a word. You think you know what men are going to do. You think you know what men want to do, but when it comes right down to that moment where they need to step up and, I don't know, make a move - they chicken out.
Oh! I am all over this.
The big strong brave men, that we've all been reading about in novels and watching in movies since we've been nine years old, - -that's a fallacy. They don't exist. Men are not strong. Men are not brave. Men, are afraid. Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator and it's totally romantic and full of potential, men are incapable of copping to it because, why? Men are weak.
Let me tell you something about women. Women would have us believe that they are the victims; That we break their hearts for sport. That's cr**. They say they want romance, they say they want true love, but all they want is a check list. Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor? For you men who fit the criteria, don't kid yourselves. Cuz they're not sleeping with you, they're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices. Money over substance, looks over soul, polished over principles. No gesture, no matter how real or romantic will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.
This coming from a man who's never made a gesture other than this one.
Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks. Well let me assure you, you're in good hands. You're looking at a guy who personally has had sex with over 137 different women, most of them conscious. Now we're here at the balloon festival and I'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air, but I think we all know it's the ladies that are full of cr**! Just because she says "no" doesn't mean she means "no." If that were the case, I'd have only 90 women. (Abby suddenly yanks him out of the hot air balloon basket from behind)
I am not desperate! (pause)
Why, did you think I sounded desperate?
Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sounded desperate?
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