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Ted quotes

Tom Skerritt: My daughter better still be alive you sick son of a bi***.

Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of ti**.

Lori: (after Tami-Lynn leave after an argument with Lori) What a cu**.
John: (covers his ears) No, I hate that word!

Donny: You're mine now, Ted.
Ted: Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.
Donny: I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.
Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.

Ted: Hey Lori, can you turn the alarm to 11 AM? I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

Rex: This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.
John: Wow, cool.
Rex: Yeah, cool. (Pointing at boxing gloves on display)
Rex: These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight. (Stops and points at abstract painting)
Rex: This is art. Get it? (John shrugs)
Rex: (Pointing at glasses on display) These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars. (pointing at a photo frame)
Rex: That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out. (They stop in front of a display)
Rex: This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.
John: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Rex: (Looks at John) Sometimes you don't. (They both walk to the bar)
Rex: So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?
John: You know, things are great, actually.
Rex: Oh that's great. That is great.
John: You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fu***** get Lou Gehrig's disease.
Rex: (Giggles) Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.
John: Well that's good to hear.
Rex: Yeah.

Ted: (to fat kid) Back off, Susan Boyle!

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