Selected quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Check out our extensive collection of quotations and sayings from Mitch Hedberg and search our website for thousands of other quotes on various topics from a great variety of authors, movies and tv shows.
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home.. Under "D".'
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky...
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your as*, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
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