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Selected quotes by Joan Rivers. Check out our extensive collection of quotations and sayings from Joan Rivers and search our website for thousands of other quotes on various topics from a great variety of authors, movies and tv shows.

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Joan Rivers quotes

Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Joan Rivers
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum - My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bi***.

Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the hell off my property.

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