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Jack Handey quotes

Jack Handey
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

Jack Handey
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Jack Handey
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Jack Handey
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

Jack Handey
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

Jack Handey
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Jack Handey
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.

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